Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Sacrificing Me for the Sake of Me

How do you make the really big changes?

I mean short of walking away from your career of 9 years and taking some time to be home with your kids.  And then very quickly realizing that while you really do love staying home you need to find a way to bring in some cash.  Because, holy crap, medical bills and student loans and, oh, hey, that electric bill comes every month and when it's hot it goes way way up!

But seriously, that change was easily in comparison to what I'm thinking about and needing to do now.

The husband and I have committed to bettering our family and home life.  We have committed to stop being lazy parents who yell and while that sounds so perfect to say out loud and it's so great in theory.  It's super crazy hard.  Because when you've been doing what you're doing for so long, changing it is hard.

I've also been living in a semi-funk where I tell myself I'm trying as hard as I can to lose all of my pre and post baby weight.  I wake up each morning and I track my points and I do my best not to indulge in all of those things that I want so badly.  Except sometimes I do and I slip and I do it so royally that I erase so much of my previous progress that I find myself in a vicious cycle.

So, I stepped on the scale this morning, after a two day binge and a one day of eating under my points and an evening at the gym and I was upset with what the scale showed.  Except that it showed two VERY different numbers.  And in this case, and this case only, I blame the scale.  Needless to say, I'm buying a new scale this afternoon!

But I digress.  I'm making these changes in so many areas of my life and the one place that I'm not changing is within myself for myself.  I know how I feel when I'm healthy.  I know what it feels like to slip into the clothes that I packed away over a year ago when I first found out I was pregnant.  And I know how it feels to go clothes shopping only to put on clothes in a size that I promised myself I'd never be again.

But be gentle with myself is what I keep hearing.  You just had twins less than a year ago.  Be kind to your body, your body takes longer to adjust than other people's bodies because of your history.  Remember, you're in your 30s now, the weight is there for good.  (Thanks for that last one, doc, I really appreciate your help and guidance in trying to get back to my "healthy" weight.)

To all of those comments I give a big F YOU!  They are excuses.  I was kind to myself for the first few months.  My body needed time to adjust to having just give birth to two babies at once.  My hormones and levels needed to readjust themselves.  I needed to be ready to do this all over again.

And having setbacks seemed to be the norm.  The biggest one being that I'm not supposed to run anymore.  And I told myself that was ok.  I hate running.  It hurts, it sucks, I'm not the fastest or the best.  Well, I was wrong.  I'm not supposed to run anymore- my knees are RIDDLED with arthritis.  I'm gearing up for needles to be stuck into my joints to help make them better, or at least tolerable, until I can have another reconstructive surgery.  But even with all of that, running was the one thing that 1) kept the weight off and 2) gave me piece of mind.

So, now I have to figure out how to change all over again.  Changing myself, beginning with leaving my job, will hopefully help to dovetail into more changes.  Better things.  And those better things have to come at a price and that means sacrifice.

The big changes happen when you give up the little things that keep you where you are and where you've always been.  Those little things mean no more late nights and no more binge fests with food or booze.  Those little things mean getting up before my husband leaves for work so that I can get to the gym or go for a walk/run.  Those little things mean that I have to stop being ok with we being averagely normal and go back to making myself and my  life and my family outstandingly unique.

So, just like I try to sacrifice the things that taste so good- like french fries and milkshakes and full fat ice cream (on a regular basis) I now need to start sacrificing part of myself so that I can remake those parts into something better than what they are.


Kate said...

Maybe you're not happy with some of your parts, but personally I think the sum of your parts is pretty damn awesome.

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